Sick but Happy.

I have been feeling like I have to throw up lately... which is really weird, because I haven't eaten anything since Thursday except for the half-sandwich yesterday.
I've been drinking tons and tons of Green tea, and lots of water as well... and mostly Diet Soda. (Hmm, that may be the problem...)

I was about to have something to settle my stomach. Like, an orange or apple or some crackers. I just thought that I needed something to hold me together. I would hate getting sick.

But then, as I was thinking about whether I should eat something or not, my mom walks out and said, "Are you losing like, 10 pounds a day or something?" I'm like, "Why? Do I look like I lost weight or something?" she said I do. That made me happy.
Because my mom doesn't even know I'm on this diet. :)

I felt perfectly fine in that moment, and decided not to eat anything, so I just had Green Tea with some Sweet N' Low [I can never eat tea plain. Oh well... 0 calories. ;D] and it settled me for a while.

But now I'm starting to feel sick again. :/
I tried to go to sleep, but went into the bathroom because I gagged up Green Tea. [Sorry for the detail. >.<]

.. well..
I feel better.
Maybe I've been drinking too much. O_O

So today was pretty hard. :/
So many temptations, too.

I just have to stay determined! *holds up fist*
FAWK YES!

I'll just keep reminding myself that, I'll be able to eat on Saturday, which is only 4 days away.
I don't want to ruin things this week just because I feel a little ill.
If I do get sick though, that can also be a good thing, despite me loathing the feeling. (Sorry Mia, you're not for me love... unless I binge. </3 XD)

I can't wait for what my grandma will say when I see her on Saturday. She's always commenting on my weights, whether it's, "Have you lost weight?" or if it's, "You know, you could use a little bit more walking.."
So if she says anything about my weight, then I'll know for a FACT that I'm losing.
I still find it really hard to believe I've lost about 3 1/2 pounds in only a matter of 4 days.... I'm kind of doubtful.

So maybe if I get some sleep, I won't feel sick tomorrow.

I'm going to my doctor tomorrow anyways.. she's checking up to see if my depression medication is helping me at all.. it honestly isn't, but if I stop taking it, I'd feel even worse. x]
So I'll be able to see my correct weight tomorrow. (I hate getting myself weighed at the doctors. Always have. I wanted to weight for at least another month so I could show off some of my weight loss to my doctor and previous dietitian, but I guess that'll have to wait.)

I'm so addicted to the show 'Supersize vs. Superskinny'

It's like the perfect thinspo & perfect reverse-thinspo at the same time! 8D

Honestly, I don't think any of the "superskinny" girls on there are THAT skinny. I think most of them are perfect, but hey, doctors have their own opinions. [And some of them are unhappy with the way they look. Personal choice, I guess. I would still rather be superskinny then the fatass I am now.]

I don't like how the wake-up call for the obese person is ALWAYS from America, though.
I mean, really... can we get anymore stereotypical then that?
(Well, can't blame them, but still. x])

I was about to eat a some fries at lunch today. D:
My friend kept pushing me to have some, I'm like "Nyooooo" she's like, "yyesss". I almost gave in.
Her boyfriend came over and ate them instead. I love her boyfriend now for saving me. Lol.

I lost another pound. 232 to 230. Thank you God. <3

And thank you all again!
 ILY. <3
8D

----

Beckii Cruel: My thinspo.. [a youtuber that dances and somehow got famous in Japan. How? I have no idea because personally, I think she's a horrible dancer,, but hey, she's really skinny and has great fashion sense.]

Yes, I feel like suck a stalker of hers.... I'm such a creeper. ;_;
But her body is so perfect... I wish I were her. XD

Blah.

I ate today, but only had half a turkey sandwich, and I didn't eat the entire thing.

The bread was 60 calories a slice, and 1 piece of deli turkey was about... 25, I think?

Diet Coke and water made me full. 8D

I definitely burned it off. XD

Now I can't eat 'til Saturday. It'll be okay not, that sammich will hold me over. ;D

And yay, thank you Ari (and others) for commenting! They really help. :)

Guess I should warn I do a lot of ranting... I love ranting. That's how I made it through Speech class. XD

& 6 followers. O_O

Yay... xD

Spoiled, spoiled, and more spoiled. That I am.

I was looking through my friends on facebook, and saw this one girl who went to my school last year. She's really thin, so I clicked to go on her profile and view her photos for some... thinspo.. (I'm so lame, I know. I also feel like a stalker.)

I remembered that she was the girl who had cancer (leukemia I believe). I remember last year she had troubles walking. My History teacher had the class donate some money (out of choice) to get her a gift for her birthday.

She went to a knew school this year, but I'm assuming she's better now, considering she says on her profile she 'had' cancer.

I also found out her father had died. It just says 'RIP dad' on her info.

I'm only posting this, because I'm beginning to realize I really do not have it bad at all. In fact, I'm spoiled. Extremely spoiled.
I have both my parents, alive and well. I have a home. I have a few friends. I'm healthy (besides the fact that I'm overweight), and I'm breathing and walking and talking just perfectly fine.
I'm not homeless, I'm not poor, I'm not starving (well, I am trying to, but I have the ability to go and eat whenever the hell I want to), I'm not lonely and I'm not dying.

Somehow... I wonder why or how I can even be 'depressed' or have suicide thoughts, now that I think about. My life is... great. I'm not saying I'm great, but my LIFE is. I've been thinking about this for the longest time. And yet, I still find ways to think about suicide. I still feel that my life is completely worthless. I still feel that I have the worse life around at times.

Honestly, I'm a bit jealous of the girl who had cancer and, unfortunately, a dead parent. It's horrible, I know, but, I figure, "Well, at least she has tons of friends and people that care about her. I have nobody that cares for me."
I am a loner. I have my cousin a 2 or 3 friends. And that is it.
I definitely blame it on my weight, but I also feel that it's because I'm deadly shy. There are girls as large as me, and LARGER that have tons and tons of friends, and even boyfriends.
I believe I'm deadly shy because of my weight; unlike the other girls who are about my size and bigger, I don't want to feel comfortable in a whale size body like this. I don't want to love myself until I am perfect. I can't love myself until I am thin. It's impossible for me. People in my life encourage me to love myself for who I am now, whether I lose weight or not.
How is the possible? I'm the stereotype all other countries give to Americans. I'm the fat ass who cannot walk into any store and find cute clothing. I'm the girl who is only 17 but looks like I'm 30 because of my size. How can these people tell me to love myself like this!?

And then I'll have the friends who tell me, "Oh, you're not fat! >:O"
Ummm..considering my BMI is only 4 away from morbid obesity, it's obvious I'm huge as fuck. I'm so sick of people not being honest with me. I'm huge...TELL ME SO! Encourage me to lose weight! Don't tell me to 'be who I am' now! Do they want me to continue gaining and gaining until I end up being bed-bound!?
Everytime they tell me I'm fine and that I should "love myself", I feel "Yeah. I'm OKAY the way I am. I don't have to care what other's think about me."
They pull me off track and make me feel it's okay to be overweight, pitiful, weak and ugly. I hate it so much.

...I don't even know how my post went from saying how spoiled I am to how "pitiful" my almost perfect life is.

I'm not only doing this for my weight..I'm doing this for everything.
I'm doing this for my life; my mental health. I'm doing this to have friends. I'm doing this so that people will WANT to be friends with me. I'm sticking with this so that I CAN get a boyfriend. I'm doing this so that life will be even better.

Sure, I have family... but is family even always worth it sometimes? Sometimes, friends trump family. Sometimes, looks trump health.
This is just how I'm viewing certain things.

And yes, I'm aware this post probably makes zero sense.

My main point is to say life is good. It's too good. Do we really deserve all we're getting? Who made us the lucky ones to be able to live life so well? To have a home, computer, television, iPod and/or MP3 player, cell phone, accessible food, clean water, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Blah.
Now I don't really know what my point was. :/

I just realize my birthday was this week. (Friday)

I'll be 17. :/
Damn I'm old... XD

My family is planning on going to a restaurant... it's some western-styled restaurant that my brothers like. ugggh. D:

They have this really greasy onion thing, that is like one huge deep-fried fattening onion, and I don't even think they have anything healthy there.
Maybe they'll have grilled chicken and then I'll just get a salad along with that... I was planning on eating Saturday anyways, so having a little bit of that should hold me over for another week.
I only want a few bites. I never eat in restaurants or around other people, so nobody will think, "Why isn't Kristy eating like the fatass she is? *gasp*"

I weighed myself and saw that I lost 2 1/2 lbs. God this feels great.

I've been drink lots of Green Tea, so that might be helping. :)

Today I did 50 jumping-jacks and 30 sit-ups. (My goal is to make it to 100 without stopping for breaks. This is the highest number I got before I had to lay down and rest. Boo. D:)

Beef smells SOOOO gross. Dx

So my mom is making tacos for the family... (I'm obviously not going to have any.. ESPECIALLY now.)

I was out in the kitchen to get a Diet Cherry Coke, and I could just smell the beef and taco mix while out there. It was so damn gross. Usually, I would be craving that and would have like 2 tacos and nachos. (not all at once, but it's still A LOT.)
I can't believe how gross it smells. x.e
It almost made me sick. Seriously. [Watching a PETA documentary doesn't help, but that's not the point. x])

So yeah.
Just wanted to say that. >.<'

And yes.. I'm currently planning on living off of Diet Coke. Vanilla and Cherry... they're SO good. Usually I wouldn't even taste it, but since I'm hungry, it's amazing.
Yeah, it has aspartame (Spelling?) but I don't really care. If I die, I die happy! x]

I weighed myself today, but I can't really tell if I lost weight or not. It's an old mechanical scale...  I want a battery powered scale so badly.
I have a difficult time seeing the numbers on the scale, because I'm near sited... I can't see far. (or is that far-sited? Either way.)
I can't tell if I lost 1 pound, 2 pounds, or gained some pounds. The stupid needle thing (love my vocabulary) is too wide to be able to see the lines.

I do feel lighter though, and the scale is closer to 230 then it was, let's say, 2 days ago. I think I lost weight.
My back feels so much light. (gross to think about. bleh.)

**Also, thank you, thank you, thank you THANK you all so much for the comments! 8D
I didn't think I'd get any, so even just a few makes me happy. XD

Fasting is so much easier to get into now. :o

Even though I've only fasted for one day (Which was Tuesday, I believe), it's still easier to get into at least one day of fasting then before.

Before I fasted Tuesday, I would always give up near the end of the day. Tuesday was very hard for me, but I stuck through it.
Today was so easy. I was distracted by babysitting for my neighbor's kid this morning, and I never like eating at their house anyways, and then I went shopping with my grandmother this afternoon.
I had 0 calories today.
I had Green Tea with 2 packets of artificial sweetener (0 cals), then water, then another glass of Green Tea, and then I'll just drink a bunch of water for the rest of the day.
I'm probably going to gain a lot of water weight today... not that that really matters. XD

I looked at the size 0 and size 2 jeans. Gosh.. if I ever fit into those, that will be the day I finally love myself through and through.
I agree size 2 is more realistic then a 0. XD
A 0 is about the size of a 14/16 in Girl sizes. O_O'

Either way, even just getting down to a 9 would be good for now.
Size 9 is my first goal size! 8D
(I'm a size 14/16 in women's. Gross, I know. :/)

So yeah... fasting all week, then I might have something on Saturday just to hold me over for the next week.

I dunno.. maybe I'm setting my goals a bit too high?

Asian Thinspo... the best...Uggh, I wish I were Asian! XD
They have small figures and most are naturally skinny. -sigh-