Beauty from my Pain...

Well... hey.

If anyone still follows me, I guess... hi.

I've fucked up. I am a fuck up.

Ever since Skin, Bones, and Ana deleted her account (for her own personal reasons, maybe she's in recovery. Proud of her that she's at a point to where she needs to recover.) I've lost all my motivation.

I'm not even gonna go into how much weight I've gained.
Too much.

I've gained too much, lost too little, and I just give up on life altogether.

I want to just die.

But I don't want to die as a OBESE fatass.
I want to get to an average weight first.

That's all I want.

I want to die a healthy weight.

My goal is to lose weight to where I'm comfortable to die.

I can't die now. Even in death I'd be embarrassed  Imagine some police or whatever picking up my huge almost 300lbs body?? No.

I refuse.

I'm stuck in this world for a while longer.

Ever since graduating High School, I've done nothing.

Couldn't handle college, so I dropped that.
Can't get a job no matter how hard I try.

I literally sleep and eat all day long.

My friend Callie? Oh she's fucking beautiful.
We met on Tumblr in the Legend of Korra fandom.
She's fucking beautiful.
I have a crush on her (I'm bi) but she is already dating someone. Her girlfriend is gorgeous.

I just... I'm so fucking jealous of her.
She attempted suicide and I just wonder WHY.
WHY the FUCK do gorgeous people (she's kinda thin too) ever want to die??
I'd give my entire life to be them.

She just pisses me off. I'm awful, I know, but I'm jealous of her. I'm so jealous I just want to kill something, that being myself.

I'm just in such an awful mood.
I'm sick of everybody.
Fuck friends.
Fuck family.

I'm just gonna starve myself to death and pray it's a painless quick one.