Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Well... hey.

If anyone still follows me, I guess... hi.

I've fucked up. I am a fuck up.

Ever since Skin, Bones, and Ana deleted her account (for her own personal reasons, maybe she's in recovery. Proud of her that she's at a point to where she needs to recover.) I've lost all my motivation.

I'm not even gonna go into how much weight I've gained.
Too much.

I've gained too much, lost too little, and I just give up on life altogether.

I want to just die.

But I don't want to die as a OBESE fatass.
I want to get to an average weight first.

That's all I want.

I want to die a healthy weight.

My goal is to lose weight to where I'm comfortable to die.

I can't die now. Even in death I'd be embarrassed  Imagine some police or whatever picking up my huge almost 300lbs body?? No.

I refuse.

I'm stuck in this world for a while longer.

Ever since graduating High School, I've done nothing.

Couldn't handle college, so I dropped that.
Can't get a job no matter how hard I try.

I literally sleep and eat all day long.

My friend Callie? Oh she's fucking beautiful.
We met on Tumblr in the Legend of Korra fandom.
She's fucking beautiful.
I have a crush on her (I'm bi) but she is already dating someone. Her girlfriend is gorgeous.

I just... I'm so fucking jealous of her.
She attempted suicide and I just wonder WHY.
WHY the FUCK do gorgeous people (she's kinda thin too) ever want to die??
I'd give my entire life to be them.

She just pisses me off. I'm awful, I know, but I'm jealous of her. I'm so jealous I just want to kill something, that being myself.

I'm just in such an awful mood.
I'm sick of everybody.
Fuck friends.
Fuck family.

I'm just gonna starve myself to death and pray it's a painless quick one.

Monday, August 8, 2011

I don't know how to help my friend. :(

So, my intake for today was nothing but Diet soda. Pretty good.
Of course, I slept all day, so I may not count, but I don't plan on eating for the rest of the night. So yeah.
Day one of fast almost completed! ^_^

I'm so worried for my friend Nicki..
she told me she's been thinking of suicide.. that she's been feeling down lately..
that she's unloved and unwanted.
Sounds exactly like me.

I'm crushed. I don't know what I will do if she acts on it. I mean, she's amazing! She has so much potential to be anything, she's pretty, she's thin, and people love her! I know, she's bipolar. It's hard. I understand.
But she has people who love her! I need her! Literally need her. I don't know what I would do. I seriously don't.
She's my best friend, my only friend. I'm not her best friend, but she's mine. I would die if she died. End of story. If she goes, I go too. I wouldn't make it.
See, she has other people who love her. Her idiotic friend Jen has been ignoring her lately, which may be why she is upset. Pisses me off. But anyways...
Me? I have nobody who would miss me. Like, literally, nobody. I don't think even my family would mind. They would only care about the price of having me buried or whatever.

Anyways, not about me. I'm really worried.
I'm a HUGE fan of Emilie Autumn, as well as her. She said after reading her book, she's gained a new perspective on suicide, that it could sometimes be the best thing for a person.
I didn't know what to say.
I just do not know how to comfort her.
She lives an hour and a half away from me, we've never actually met, and I just can't find the words I want to say to her. I don't know how to help her.
I'm really scared guys.

I'm hoping she'll feel better next time we talk....

But if you see this, my lovelies, please stay strong.

(Ah yes, I also got a Tumblr account recently. :3
It's the same URL as this blog.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

My intake for today-


Fast begins TOMORROW.
I've got the will power. I took a few pics of myself- it's digusting. I'll make it through the fast every time I see those pics.

I've got enough Diet Soda, Apple/Cinnamon Herbal tea, Green Tea, and of course, water (flavored water.. 0 cal packs!), to last me a while.

I got dis.

I don't deserve food anyways.
I took a few screen shots of  Cj's Status yesterday. About the girl he likes. Think maybe I'll blog about it tomorrow.
Why? Because this is like a diary- a diary that everybody can see. How fucking stupid am I?
VERY fucking stupid.

But that's just how I am.

I messaged him asking if he really did like a girl. The convo went like this:
Me: Can I ask you something? Do you really like someone else?
Not that I care or anything. o.o' 

 Cj: Well it seems like you do care. But I think you need to define "really like".

Me: Uh.. dunno how.. o_O
I care but it's not that big of a deal.. lol.. sorreh.

    • Well.. if you're referring to my status, I've liked that girl since sophomore year, and I've barely even ever talked to her.. so you really shouldn't have much to worry about. Cause she's moving away.

Me: really as in , "LOL... ORLY?"

Oh... I see... I was only wondering... :c I'm sorry... I'm sure you can still stay in touch with her though... hopefully..

 Cj: Probably not. She doesn't really like me at all.
    • Me: 
      • T_T
      • Maybe she might...
      • How do you know if she doesn't though? =/

Cj: She told me she thinks I'm a total creep. lol

Me: (I go a bit insane here, worrying, hoping, desperate, blahblah.)

  • ....
  • Ouch...
  • Well screw her.. (No offense) But yeah. You're not. It's her loss if she thinks that...
  • Sorry
  • nvm

    • I'm extremely sorry for saying that and for getting into your business like that. Like this time I genuinely mean it. I don't mean to be an idiot.
I cried today. I cut myself again. I'm a pathetic fat whore, really. Why do I cry over nothing? I should be happy- at least, he's honest. Right?
God I'm emo as fuck. I have no idea why I do these things, and complain/feel sorry for myself all the damn time. I guess I enjoy the feeling of being forgotten, left out, and insecure. I've been that way since I was little. I love the feeling. It's a TERRIBLE feeling, but I sickly enjoy it.
Right now, it's killing me waiting for his replying. I'm hoping he will not be angry at me for saying all that shit.

It's just- he knows how much I like him.
I wouldn't done all those things with him if I didn't. He claims to like me. Really? How can you claim to like me, yet do all that to me?
I don't understand.
I wish we just never met. I wish I never replied to the letter he gave me. I would be far better off then sitting here worrying and being a jealous lard all day, every day.
What the hell is wrong with me...?

It might bother me, because I asked him out. The last time we hung out, I sucked up all my fears and asked him: "Do you want a girlfriend?"
When he said he didn't, I was trying to hard to show him I didn't care.
That's how I always am with him.
He called me, "borderline obsessed" with him once, and I suppose it's true, so I try to stay on the fence with him now. I cannot help it. I don't know why, but I enjoy this.
It's giving me a reason now to eat. As in, I feel like I do not deserve food for acting this way. It helps a lot.
After my crying spell, I haven't had food all the rest of the day.
Feels amazing.

But I want to look my best for him. When I'm skinnier then the bitch who he likes, maybe he'll want me then.
(At least, I have a guess as to who the girl is he likes.)

He told me he liked me.
He told me he loved everything about me.
What a lie. Lovely lie that once made me feel as though I was something.

Ana is the only one who will be there for me when I feel this way.
She is the only thing making me feel as though I have meaning to be on this planet.
Hope she does the same for everyone else going through this.

And they aren't even real issues. It's not like I'm homeless. It's not like I'm in an abusive household or whatever.
I'm just being pathetic. I say that word a lot, because it's true. That's all I am.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I want to die.

I can't wait to just end it all. The easiest way for me to do so is through starving to death. I can't handle this life anymore.

I love a guy. So much. With all my heart.
At first, I thought he was a total creep. He gave me a letter telling me he thought I was 'Cute'. Bullshit I'm cute, we both know what we look like.
Anyways, we began talking over spring break. We kissed, and ended up doing more things the last time I hung out with him.
I asked him if he wanted a relationship.
He told me, straight out, "No." He assured that it wasn't me, it was him. He said he would be the worse boyfriend ever, and I would end up hating him.

As I am a creepy stalker (at least, I can admit this) I seem to go on his FaceBook page quite a lot.
So many girls.
Yes, he is overweight, and those girls that flirt with him are overweight, so I know he would possibly have a chance with them. And they're all pretty, despite their weight. Unlike me. I'm hideous whether I'd be thin or as I am now, but that's not the point.

Today he made a certain status that really bothered me. He asked, "How to I tell a girl I like her, although I know she doesn't like me back?"
It's obvious he wasn't talking about me. He even said to one of the comments that she did not know him that well- it couldn't be me. I know him fairly well enough, considering I took my god damn shirt off for him.

I can never be loved. Never.
I just don't think it's meant to be. I only have on true friend, and she is the only reason I am still alive at the moment.
But I'm plannign on living on until I am thin.

Ugh, look at me, I'm pathetic. I have an almost perfect life, compared to people in 3rd world countries who are suffering physically where as I'm only going through shit mentally.
I'm ridiculous. Someone needs to slap me hard and knock some sense into, because I'm seriously losing it.

I don't deserve food. The less food I eat, the more food can be used to people who need it. That is my new take and tip on this whole thing.

I'm going to read all your lovely blogs. They usually make my day better.

Love you.



I've been completely off track. I've been binging everyday, all day/whenever I can. Ever since Spring time, I've just lost all hope. I had given up on everything completely, never wanting to come back onto this blog again admitting to my defeat.
I had a dream (I know, but just read) a couple days ago, however. It was me, just looking into the mirror, and repeatedly told myself, "When you're ready to take this seriously, you will know." When I woke up, "ana" wasn't the first thing that came to my mind. I was thinking about other things.
"What is the right time to do this... whatever it is!? What is it??"
It had been bothering me since yesterday. I couldn't stop thinking of that dream. Then, hit just hit me one day while I was staying at a friend's house. I suddenly noticed how skinny she was. How could I have missed it, she's a size 1, taller than me, has amazing bones, etc.  She has friends other then me who are way more important to her than I am. And none of them are overweight like myself. I've never met one of her other friends who wasn't thin like herself.
I realized- I'm the fat friend. That is all I am, and that is ALL I will EVER be if I keep this bullshit up. I have to stop this. I have to get back on track. I have to prove to everybody that I, too, can be thin and happy. I too can be loved, and I also can be beautiful. Possibly.
I AM READY now. I'm ready to take this seriously. This isn't a game! This is something we all have to try sticking to, and we CAN make it! This isn't something I should just mess around with, one day being pro-ana, then the next being a lazy pig who has no inspiration thriving in my mind at all.

I have to stay on this site now. I plan on posting every day, updating my weight/success more, and helping people out more. I promise I won't be annoying! I truly do promise! I'll try to leave advice, but I'm absolutely HORRIBLE at advice. This is why I never post on many people's blogs, but I used to read through them all the time, and every single one of you are extremely inspirational to me. I love all the blogs I am following, I love all people who have helped me out in the beginning, and I really regret leaving this place all because I felt nothing was working out for me.

I haven't gained anything since I last posted, surprisingly. I was 220 for a while now... amazing considering how much crap I was eating without exercising.

I'm hoping to be 200 by the end of August. I'm planning on fasting until then- but if I do mess up one day, I will NOT give up like I did before. I'll continue to try try and try again. If all you lovely ladies (and a few guys ;P  ... )  can be strong enough to do this, I maybe can too.

We will always mess up. But I haven't even begun yet. This is only the beginning for me. Again....
I can't fail again. I can't. If I fail again, I think I'll have to do something extreme. Not truly sure what. But I'm afraid I'll end up doing something horrible without realizing what I'm doing... so now I'm thinking of this is my life line.
I choose to be thin over living. This is now my personal thought. I either stick to this plan, or die. I would rather die thin then die fat, so it's sort of like a scare tactic for myself.

I'm going to have to hide this from my therapist. Yes, my parents have made me go all because of my anxiety issues. I like the my therapist and all, she seems like a very sweet person, but i just HATE telling someone about my personal life. I lie to her pretty much about everything. Hopefully I won't be forced to see her anymore if I start "acting like a normal human being", according to my parents.
Can't be too hard. I'll just make up a bunch of BS so say to her while at therapy. Maybe she can comment on how overweight I am and it'll be triggering to me. That's what happened to me last year after going to the doctor, realizing I was over 240 lbs. That was the absolute worse day of my life, I will never ever forget it.

I'm sorry for rambling about myself. It's pathetic, I know.

I love you all! I'm going to be stalking your blogs to see how you're doing. I promise I won't be annoying and comment. At least I won't post irrelevant comments anymore. I feel that I'm just a plague to everyone here.

★ ☆ ✰
N E V E R  G I V E   U P ! ! !   S T A Y   S T R O N G  A N D  F I G H T  T H I S  F I G H T!!!

★ ☆ ✰

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I've missed this site so much!!! :(

Heyy loves!
If any of you see and/or even read this. I feel like having a bit of an update, lol. :)

How have all of you been?

Been a long time since I last posted. Nothing much is really all that new. :/
I haven't fasted in a long time, but I have been controlling my calories and... exercising.. kind of.. >.>'

I ate today. First, I had a stupid Easter Basket. I chewed and spit most of my candy, but no doubt I still got most of the calories. Silly me.
Then I had a hard boiled egg, and half a tuna sandwich. :o
I'm so weak. Lol.
I not eating anything for the rest of the day, and I'm also fasting tomorrow, and hopefully for the rest of the week.

OMGsh, tomorrow! I'm so excited for it! :)
Tomorrow (Wednesday) I'm going to be hanging out with this one guy I like.. I'm not sure whether he likes me as well, but we just flirt around jokingly on the phone as well as on Facebook and other crap like that. XD
He bought some weed, and I'm going to be taking some for the first time in my life tomorrow.. with him..
Lol. I can't wait! :)

TBH, I still don't really know if all this can be true. It's a long story.
First, he gave me this one note on April 1st, saying he thought I was "cute", giving me his number and other stuff. I figured it HAD to be a joke. It just HAD to be, nobody who is sane would ever think I was cute. I'm hideous- or at least, I think I am. Ehh.. who knows. Who cares, I'm hideous until I'm thin. :P
But anyways, I was pissed off at the time, so I just threw his letter away.. I wanted to reply to him though, but I wasn't able to... his friends scare me... so.
Instead, I added him on Facebook the say we got out of school (Thursday was our last day) and we've been texting each other since.
I'm really excited.

This is possibly the first time in a few years that I've felt genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I always feel that I'm just a part of other people's lives, like a side character of their story. But now, I'm starting to feel that I'm becoming my own main character, and special things may start happening for me as well. :3
(So corny, stick with me. x])
...never-mind, this sounds stupid.. o_O'

I'm so weird. XD
All I've been doing for the past couple of days was sleep, go online, sleep, work out, pig out like a fat ass, and sleep. 8D
Well, I've been going on my parent's laptop. My own computer broke a few weeks ago, and I'm getting a new one on a month or so. :)

Yeahhh... Spring Break came out late this yet, but it's all good. :))
We only have a few months left after this week is over with. :P

Sooo, enough talking about my boring life. :D

I'm planning on putting up way more thinspo pics, tips, and other things. I just need to find out how to use BlogSpot again, lol. :o

I really missed you all, and I hope you all are doing well and staying strong. ;o

Happy belated Easter!!! Hope you all had fun. :)