Fast begins TOMORROW.
I've got the will power. I took a few pics of myself- it's digusting. I'll make it through the fast every time I see those pics.
I've got enough Diet Soda, Apple/Cinnamon Herbal tea, Green Tea, and of course, water (flavored water.. 0 cal packs!), to last me a while.
I got dis.
I don't deserve food anyways.
I took a few screen shots of Cj's Status yesterday. About the girl he likes. Think maybe I'll blog about it tomorrow.
Why? Because this is like a diary- a diary that everybody can see. How fucking stupid am I?
VERY fucking stupid.
But that's just how I am.
I messaged him asking if he really did like a girl. The convo went like this:
_________________________________________________________
Me: Can I ask you something? Do you really like someone else?
Not that I care or anything. o.o'
Cj: Well it seems like you do care. But I think you need to define "really like".
Me: Uh.. dunno how.. o_O
I care but it's not that big of a deal.. lol.. sorreh.
Cj:
- Well.. if you're referring to my status, I've liked that girl since sophomore year, and I've barely even ever talked to her.. so you really shouldn't have much to worry about. Cause she's moving away.
Oh... I see... I was only wondering...
...aw... :c I'm sorry... I'm sure you can still stay in touch with her though... hopefully..
Cj: Probably not. She doesn't really like me at all.
- Me:
- T_T
- Maybe she might...
- How do you know if she doesn't though? =/
Cj: She told me she thinks I'm a total creep. lol
Me: (I go a bit insane here, worrying, hoping, desperate, blahblah.)
- ....
- Ouch...
- Well screw her.. (No offense) But yeah. You're not. It's her loss if she thinks that...
- Sorry
- nvm
- I'm extremely sorry for saying that and for getting into your business like that. Like this time I genuinely mean it. I don't mean to be an idiot.__________________________________________________________
I cried today. I cut myself again. I'm a pathetic fat whore, really. Why do I cry over nothing? I should be happy- at least, he's honest. Right?
God I'm emo as fuck. I have no idea why I do these things, and complain/feel sorry for myself all the damn time. I guess I enjoy the feeling of being forgotten, left out, and insecure. I've been that way since I was little. I love the feeling. It's a TERRIBLE feeling, but I sickly enjoy it.
Right now, it's killing me waiting for his replying. I'm hoping he will not be angry at me for saying all that shit.
It's just- he knows how much I like him.
I wouldn't done all those things with him if I didn't. He claims to like me. Really? How can you claim to like me, yet do all that to me?
I don't understand.
I wish we just never met. I wish I never replied to the letter he gave me. I would be far better off then sitting here worrying and being a jealous lard all day, every day.
What the hell is wrong with me...?
It might bother me, because I asked him out. The last time we hung out, I sucked up all my fears and asked him: "Do you want a girlfriend?"
When he said he didn't, I was trying to hard to show him I didn't care.
That's how I always am with him.
He called me, "borderline obsessed" with him once, and I suppose it's true, so I try to stay on the fence with him now. I cannot help it. I don't know why, but I enjoy this.
It's giving me a reason now to eat. As in, I feel like I do not deserve food for acting this way. It helps a lot.
After my crying spell, I haven't had food all the rest of the day.
Feels amazing.
But I want to look my best for him. When I'm skinnier then the bitch who he likes, maybe he'll want me then.
(At least, I have a guess as to who the girl is he likes.)
He told me he liked me.
He told me he loved everything about me.
What a lie. Lovely lie that once made me feel as though I was something.
Ana is the only one who will be there for me when I feel this way.
She is the only thing making me feel as though I have meaning to be on this planet.
Hope she does the same for everyone else going through this.
And they aren't even real issues. It's not like I'm homeless. It's not like I'm in an abusive household or whatever.
I'm just being pathetic. I say that word a lot, because it's true. That's all I am.
God I'm emo as fuck. I have no idea why I do these things, and complain/feel sorry for myself all the damn time. I guess I enjoy the feeling of being forgotten, left out, and insecure. I've been that way since I was little. I love the feeling. It's a TERRIBLE feeling, but I sickly enjoy it.
Right now, it's killing me waiting for his replying. I'm hoping he will not be angry at me for saying all that shit.
It's just- he knows how much I like him.
I wouldn't done all those things with him if I didn't. He claims to like me. Really? How can you claim to like me, yet do all that to me?
I don't understand.
I wish we just never met. I wish I never replied to the letter he gave me. I would be far better off then sitting here worrying and being a jealous lard all day, every day.
What the hell is wrong with me...?
It might bother me, because I asked him out. The last time we hung out, I sucked up all my fears and asked him: "Do you want a girlfriend?"
When he said he didn't, I was trying to hard to show him I didn't care.
That's how I always am with him.
He called me, "borderline obsessed" with him once, and I suppose it's true, so I try to stay on the fence with him now. I cannot help it. I don't know why, but I enjoy this.
It's giving me a reason now to eat. As in, I feel like I do not deserve food for acting this way. It helps a lot.
After my crying spell, I haven't had food all the rest of the day.
Feels amazing.
But I want to look my best for him. When I'm skinnier then the bitch who he likes, maybe he'll want me then.
(At least, I have a guess as to who the girl is he likes.)
He told me he liked me.
He told me he loved everything about me.
What a lie. Lovely lie that once made me feel as though I was something.
Ana is the only one who will be there for me when I feel this way.
She is the only thing making me feel as though I have meaning to be on this planet.
Hope she does the same for everyone else going through this.
And they aren't even real issues. It's not like I'm homeless. It's not like I'm in an abusive household or whatever.
I'm just being pathetic. I say that word a lot, because it's true. That's all I am.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete