I had a dream (I know, but just read) a couple days ago, however. It was me, just looking into the mirror, and repeatedly told myself, "When you're ready to take this seriously, you will know." When I woke up, "ana" wasn't the first thing that came to my mind. I was thinking about other things.
"What is the right time to do this... whatever it is!? What is it??"
It had been bothering me since yesterday. I couldn't stop thinking of that dream. Then, hit just hit me one day while I was staying at a friend's house. I suddenly noticed how skinny she was. How could I have missed it, she's a size 1, taller than me, has amazing bones, etc. She has friends other then me who are way more important to her than I am. And none of them are overweight like myself. I've never met one of her other friends who wasn't thin like herself.
I realized- I'm the fat friend. That is all I am, and that is ALL I will EVER be if I keep this bullshit up. I have to stop this. I have to get back on track. I have to prove to everybody that I, too, can be thin and happy. I too can be loved, and I also can be beautiful. Possibly.
I AM READY now. I'm ready to take this seriously. This isn't a game! This is something we all have to try sticking to, and we CAN make it! This isn't something I should just mess around with, one day being pro-ana, then the next being a lazy pig who has no inspiration thriving in my mind at all.
I have to stay on this site now. I plan on posting every day, updating my weight/success more, and helping people out more. I promise I won't be annoying! I truly do promise! I'll try to leave advice, but I'm absolutely HORRIBLE at advice. This is why I never post on many people's blogs, but I used to read through them all the time, and every single one of you are extremely inspirational to me. I love all the blogs I am following, I love all people who have helped me out in the beginning, and I really regret leaving this place all because I felt nothing was working out for me.
I haven't gained anything since I last posted, surprisingly. I was 220 for a while now... amazing considering how much crap I was eating without exercising.
I'm hoping to be 200 by the end of August. I'm planning on fasting until then- but if I do mess up one day, I will NOT give up like I did before. I'll continue to try try and try again. If all you lovely ladies (and a few guys ;P ... ) can be strong enough to do this, I maybe can too.
We will always mess up. But I haven't even begun yet. This is only the beginning for me. Again....
I can't fail again. I can't. If I fail again, I think I'll have to do something extreme. Not truly sure what. But I'm afraid I'll end up doing something horrible without realizing what I'm doing... so now I'm thinking of this is my life line.
I choose to be thin over living. This is now my personal thought. I either stick to this plan, or die. I would rather die thin then die fat, so it's sort of like a scare tactic for myself.
I'm going to have to hide this from my therapist. Yes, my parents have made me go all because of my anxiety issues. I like the my therapist and all, she seems like a very sweet person, but i just HATE telling someone about my personal life. I lie to her pretty much about everything. Hopefully I won't be forced to see her anymore if I start "acting like a normal human being", according to my parents.
Can't be too hard. I'll just make up a bunch of BS so say to her while at therapy. Maybe she can comment on how overweight I am and it'll be triggering to me. That's what happened to me last year after going to the doctor, realizing I was over 240 lbs. That was the absolute worse day of my life, I will never ever forget it.
I'm sorry for rambling about myself. It's pathetic, I know.
I love you all! I'm going to be stalking your blogs to see how you're doing. I promise I won't be annoying and comment. At least I won't post irrelevant comments anymore. I feel that I'm just a plague to everyone here.
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