Sick but Happy.

I have been feeling like I have to throw up lately... which is really weird, because I haven't eaten anything since Thursday except for the half-sandwich yesterday.
I've been drinking tons and tons of Green tea, and lots of water as well... and mostly Diet Soda. (Hmm, that may be the problem...)

I was about to have something to settle my stomach. Like, an orange or apple or some crackers. I just thought that I needed something to hold me together. I would hate getting sick.

But then, as I was thinking about whether I should eat something or not, my mom walks out and said, "Are you losing like, 10 pounds a day or something?" I'm like, "Why? Do I look like I lost weight or something?" she said I do. That made me happy.
Because my mom doesn't even know I'm on this diet. :)

I felt perfectly fine in that moment, and decided not to eat anything, so I just had Green Tea with some Sweet N' Low [I can never eat tea plain. Oh well... 0 calories. ;D] and it settled me for a while.

But now I'm starting to feel sick again. :/
I tried to go to sleep, but went into the bathroom because I gagged up Green Tea. [Sorry for the detail. >.<]

.. well..
I feel better.
Maybe I've been drinking too much. O_O

So today was pretty hard. :/
So many temptations, too.

I just have to stay determined! *holds up fist*
FAWK YES!

I'll just keep reminding myself that, I'll be able to eat on Saturday, which is only 4 days away.
I don't want to ruin things this week just because I feel a little ill.
If I do get sick though, that can also be a good thing, despite me loathing the feeling. (Sorry Mia, you're not for me love... unless I binge. </3 XD)

I can't wait for what my grandma will say when I see her on Saturday. She's always commenting on my weights, whether it's, "Have you lost weight?" or if it's, "You know, you could use a little bit more walking.."
So if she says anything about my weight, then I'll know for a FACT that I'm losing.
I still find it really hard to believe I've lost about 3 1/2 pounds in only a matter of 4 days.... I'm kind of doubtful.

So maybe if I get some sleep, I won't feel sick tomorrow.

I'm going to my doctor tomorrow anyways.. she's checking up to see if my depression medication is helping me at all.. it honestly isn't, but if I stop taking it, I'd feel even worse. x]
So I'll be able to see my correct weight tomorrow. (I hate getting myself weighed at the doctors. Always have. I wanted to weight for at least another month so I could show off some of my weight loss to my doctor and previous dietitian, but I guess that'll have to wait.)

I'm so addicted to the show 'Supersize vs. Superskinny'

It's like the perfect thinspo & perfect reverse-thinspo at the same time! 8D

Honestly, I don't think any of the "superskinny" girls on there are THAT skinny. I think most of them are perfect, but hey, doctors have their own opinions. [And some of them are unhappy with the way they look. Personal choice, I guess. I would still rather be superskinny then the fatass I am now.]

I don't like how the wake-up call for the obese person is ALWAYS from America, though.
I mean, really... can we get anymore stereotypical then that?
(Well, can't blame them, but still. x])

I was about to eat a some fries at lunch today. D:
My friend kept pushing me to have some, I'm like "Nyooooo" she's like, "yyesss". I almost gave in.
Her boyfriend came over and ate them instead. I love her boyfriend now for saving me. Lol.

I lost another pound. 232 to 230. Thank you God. <3

And thank you all again!
 ILY. <3
8D

----

Beckii Cruel: My thinspo.. [a youtuber that dances and somehow got famous in Japan. How? I have no idea because personally, I think she's a horrible dancer,, but hey, she's really skinny and has great fashion sense.]

Yes, I feel like suck a stalker of hers.... I'm such a creeper. ;_;
But her body is so perfect... I wish I were her. XD

Blah.

I ate today, but only had half a turkey sandwich, and I didn't eat the entire thing.

The bread was 60 calories a slice, and 1 piece of deli turkey was about... 25, I think?

Diet Coke and water made me full. 8D

I definitely burned it off. XD

Now I can't eat 'til Saturday. It'll be okay not, that sammich will hold me over. ;D

And yay, thank you Ari (and others) for commenting! They really help. :)

Guess I should warn I do a lot of ranting... I love ranting. That's how I made it through Speech class. XD

& 6 followers. O_O

Yay... xD

Spoiled, spoiled, and more spoiled. That I am.

I was looking through my friends on facebook, and saw this one girl who went to my school last year. She's really thin, so I clicked to go on her profile and view her photos for some... thinspo.. (I'm so lame, I know. I also feel like a stalker.)

I remembered that she was the girl who had cancer (leukemia I believe). I remember last year she had troubles walking. My History teacher had the class donate some money (out of choice) to get her a gift for her birthday.

She went to a knew school this year, but I'm assuming she's better now, considering she says on her profile she 'had' cancer.

I also found out her father had died. It just says 'RIP dad' on her info.

I'm only posting this, because I'm beginning to realize I really do not have it bad at all. In fact, I'm spoiled. Extremely spoiled.
I have both my parents, alive and well. I have a home. I have a few friends. I'm healthy (besides the fact that I'm overweight), and I'm breathing and walking and talking just perfectly fine.
I'm not homeless, I'm not poor, I'm not starving (well, I am trying to, but I have the ability to go and eat whenever the hell I want to), I'm not lonely and I'm not dying.

Somehow... I wonder why or how I can even be 'depressed' or have suicide thoughts, now that I think about. My life is... great. I'm not saying I'm great, but my LIFE is. I've been thinking about this for the longest time. And yet, I still find ways to think about suicide. I still feel that my life is completely worthless. I still feel that I have the worse life around at times.

Honestly, I'm a bit jealous of the girl who had cancer and, unfortunately, a dead parent. It's horrible, I know, but, I figure, "Well, at least she has tons of friends and people that care about her. I have nobody that cares for me."
I am a loner. I have my cousin a 2 or 3 friends. And that is it.
I definitely blame it on my weight, but I also feel that it's because I'm deadly shy. There are girls as large as me, and LARGER that have tons and tons of friends, and even boyfriends.
I believe I'm deadly shy because of my weight; unlike the other girls who are about my size and bigger, I don't want to feel comfortable in a whale size body like this. I don't want to love myself until I am perfect. I can't love myself until I am thin. It's impossible for me. People in my life encourage me to love myself for who I am now, whether I lose weight or not.
How is the possible? I'm the stereotype all other countries give to Americans. I'm the fat ass who cannot walk into any store and find cute clothing. I'm the girl who is only 17 but looks like I'm 30 because of my size. How can these people tell me to love myself like this!?

And then I'll have the friends who tell me, "Oh, you're not fat! >:O"
Ummm..considering my BMI is only 4 away from morbid obesity, it's obvious I'm huge as fuck. I'm so sick of people not being honest with me. I'm huge...TELL ME SO! Encourage me to lose weight! Don't tell me to 'be who I am' now! Do they want me to continue gaining and gaining until I end up being bed-bound!?
Everytime they tell me I'm fine and that I should "love myself", I feel "Yeah. I'm OKAY the way I am. I don't have to care what other's think about me."
They pull me off track and make me feel it's okay to be overweight, pitiful, weak and ugly. I hate it so much.

...I don't even know how my post went from saying how spoiled I am to how "pitiful" my almost perfect life is.

I'm not only doing this for my weight..I'm doing this for everything.
I'm doing this for my life; my mental health. I'm doing this to have friends. I'm doing this so that people will WANT to be friends with me. I'm sticking with this so that I CAN get a boyfriend. I'm doing this so that life will be even better.

Sure, I have family... but is family even always worth it sometimes? Sometimes, friends trump family. Sometimes, looks trump health.
This is just how I'm viewing certain things.

And yes, I'm aware this post probably makes zero sense.

My main point is to say life is good. It's too good. Do we really deserve all we're getting? Who made us the lucky ones to be able to live life so well? To have a home, computer, television, iPod and/or MP3 player, cell phone, accessible food, clean water, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Blah.
Now I don't really know what my point was. :/

I just realize my birthday was this week. (Friday)

I'll be 17. :/
Damn I'm old... XD

My family is planning on going to a restaurant... it's some western-styled restaurant that my brothers like. ugggh. D:

They have this really greasy onion thing, that is like one huge deep-fried fattening onion, and I don't even think they have anything healthy there.
Maybe they'll have grilled chicken and then I'll just get a salad along with that... I was planning on eating Saturday anyways, so having a little bit of that should hold me over for another week.
I only want a few bites. I never eat in restaurants or around other people, so nobody will think, "Why isn't Kristy eating like the fatass she is? *gasp*"

I weighed myself and saw that I lost 2 1/2 lbs. God this feels great.

I've been drink lots of Green Tea, so that might be helping. :)

Today I did 50 jumping-jacks and 30 sit-ups. (My goal is to make it to 100 without stopping for breaks. This is the highest number I got before I had to lay down and rest. Boo. D:)

Beef smells SOOOO gross. Dx

So my mom is making tacos for the family... (I'm obviously not going to have any.. ESPECIALLY now.)

I was out in the kitchen to get a Diet Cherry Coke, and I could just smell the beef and taco mix while out there. It was so damn gross. Usually, I would be craving that and would have like 2 tacos and nachos. (not all at once, but it's still A LOT.)
I can't believe how gross it smells. x.e
It almost made me sick. Seriously. [Watching a PETA documentary doesn't help, but that's not the point. x])

So yeah.
Just wanted to say that. >.<'

And yes.. I'm currently planning on living off of Diet Coke. Vanilla and Cherry... they're SO good. Usually I wouldn't even taste it, but since I'm hungry, it's amazing.
Yeah, it has aspartame (Spelling?) but I don't really care. If I die, I die happy! x]

I weighed myself today, but I can't really tell if I lost weight or not. It's an old mechanical scale...  I want a battery powered scale so badly.
I have a difficult time seeing the numbers on the scale, because I'm near sited... I can't see far. (or is that far-sited? Either way.)
I can't tell if I lost 1 pound, 2 pounds, or gained some pounds. The stupid needle thing (love my vocabulary) is too wide to be able to see the lines.

I do feel lighter though, and the scale is closer to 230 then it was, let's say, 2 days ago. I think I lost weight.
My back feels so much light. (gross to think about. bleh.)

**Also, thank you, thank you, thank you THANK you all so much for the comments! 8D
I didn't think I'd get any, so even just a few makes me happy. XD

Fasting is so much easier to get into now. :o

Even though I've only fasted for one day (Which was Tuesday, I believe), it's still easier to get into at least one day of fasting then before.

Before I fasted Tuesday, I would always give up near the end of the day. Tuesday was very hard for me, but I stuck through it.
Today was so easy. I was distracted by babysitting for my neighbor's kid this morning, and I never like eating at their house anyways, and then I went shopping with my grandmother this afternoon.
I had 0 calories today.
I had Green Tea with 2 packets of artificial sweetener (0 cals), then water, then another glass of Green Tea, and then I'll just drink a bunch of water for the rest of the day.
I'm probably going to gain a lot of water weight today... not that that really matters. XD

I looked at the size 0 and size 2 jeans. Gosh.. if I ever fit into those, that will be the day I finally love myself through and through.
I agree size 2 is more realistic then a 0. XD
A 0 is about the size of a 14/16 in Girl sizes. O_O'

Either way, even just getting down to a 9 would be good for now.
Size 9 is my first goal size! 8D
(I'm a size 14/16 in women's. Gross, I know. :/)

So yeah... fasting all week, then I might have something on Saturday just to hold me over for the next week.

I dunno.. maybe I'm setting my goals a bit too high?

Asian Thinspo... the best...Uggh, I wish I were Asian! XD
They have small figures and most are naturally skinny. -sigh-

Shopping tomorrow.

Going to fast... again. :/
*wishes self luck* >.<

I'm tempted to buy a pair of Size 2 jeans, just so that I have something to fawn over everyday while I'm fasting. :/

I know my grandma won't let me (since she believes I'll never be a size 2..) but still.. if it's my own money, I'd rather use it for something I want. I don't need new jeans... I have enough, and it's not like new clothes would make me look better anyways. (considering I'm fat as fuck.)

Meh. :/


I'm never eating again. If I do eat, I will only touch fruit or vegetables.
I've been wanting to go vegan anyways, so... meh.
I hope I can stick with a fast though.

I need to start exercising, but IDK what to do. I want to join a YMCA, but my dad claims that we wouldn't go and it would be wasted money. :/
(I'm scared people will stare at me, so I probably wouldn't go. -_-)
I've been walking up and down steps for 30 minutes, so that might be good for now...

Ugh.

I hate myself. Not my life, but myself, for being stupid, gluttonous, huge, and lazy. I hate everything about myself. I need t change. :/

I just saw Tangled. (Rapunzel) :D

CUUUUUTE movie!
Disney is BACK! ^_^

I ate a few hand fulls of popcorn. I told my friend to get a small, yet she got a large anyways. -_-
(She's eats like she hasn't eaten in 50 years, yet is still a fucking size 2. :/ Maybe she's bulimic. :o )

But yeah.

That's about... 400 calories (probably less, but I'd rather estimate higher then lower, just to be safe.)

Blah.

Loved that movie, I really want to see it again. XD
So fucking cute. <3

Made a bet with my grandma..

She told me that I will never be able to fit into a size 0/2. She said that my bone structure is  larger then others, and the smallest I will be able to fit into would be a 9.

Yeah... okay. We'll see in a couple years when I'm wearing those size 2 shorts and x-Small shirts. I'll sure her!
>:O

:( I binged.

Fuck. D:
It's all because my family was here, and I thought, "hey, I'll just restart it next week! 8D"
So much damn guilt. I hate myself.. :/
I couldn't even last two whole days. -_-
I'll try.. purging, but I heard you keep the calories. Ugh. :/
I shouldn't have eaten.. damnit.
After binging, I cut myself again without even realizing what I was doing.
Everytime I binge, I'm going to do that as a type of "punishment" I guess. o_O
(Although, I hope I NEVER binge again, or even want food again.)

Starting over tomorrow. T_T
No thanksgiving for me.. >.<
My plan of eating a little bit is over.. I'm not eating AT ALL.
I'll just tell everyone I'm not feeling well.... I don't really need all that crap in my system anyways.

So much for "not failing" this time around. :((

Family ish hearr. ;o

And they're fighting over politics... how lovely.
I honestly, couldn't care less about politics.... even though North Korea has me a bit scared. xP

I almost binged on Sunflower Seeds today. My dad bought them for me, since I've wanted them for a while. I told him I didn't really want them, so he said he'd eat them. Sooooo, they didn't go to waste or anything. x]
  Instead of eating, I had Green Tea with a generic Splenda. (0 calories each. :D)

And I'm not hungry anymore. It's a miracle. O_O

I was also watching HSM 2 today.. why, I don't really know... but hey, I felt nostalgic. XD
[God I feel old, I remember watching that before going into 8th grade. Boo. :( ]

Ashley Tisdale is officially my thinspo. I never noticed how thin she was before. :O

Well... she's thinner standing up. (Obviously. x])

Her legggssssss..... ;_;

Ugggh.

I had a dream that I was binging last night. I woke up in a panic. -_-
Fucking hate those. Everytime I fast or eat way less during the day, I end up having those dreams. Then I'll wake up going "shiiiit".

But anyways, YAY, I made it all day yesterday! :D
*pats self on back*
....one day isn't really that great, but I haven't been able to fast for an entire day for about 2 years.
So yay! ^^'

I'm not even going to weigh myself today. I doubt anyone can lose weight in only one day. I'll weigh myself tomorrow and see if anything changed.
:/

Blah.


I love talking to myself. o_O
XD

It's amazing what medication can do for a person...

So I'm taking this generic Zoloft (Sertralin) for depression and anxiety.
Before taking it, my head was being a bitch.
Almost instantly, after taking the pill, I felt better... and a little drunk.


It also kicks Midol's ass. ;P

First post... :/

Hmph.. I'm not really sure if anyone will read this blog anyways. Honestly, I don't really care. This is a way to keep track on how I'm doing, and also helps me relax my mind a bit.

So anyways, I'll introduce myself for the hell of it. ^.^'
Eh.. so I'm Kristy, I'm 16 years old, and I'm stuck in living in in the Cheese state... (AKA, good old Wisconsin... bleh.)

Okay, so that reason I am making this blog is so that I can help encourage myself to stay on the Pro-Ana track...
I've been wanting to do this for a while, but, I am naturally a procrastinator. One of my major flaws. :(
After looking through all the Thinspo/Pro-Ana blogs and seeing how much support they all receive, I thought I'd give it a try, although I'm not planning on getting as much support, if any, as the others do. I'm not as interesting as they all are. XD

I'm a little too embarrassed to post my stats, but since this is for me to help look over my progress, I'll... *sigh*.. explain them.

Currently, my weight is.... >.>
...233 lbs.
..... absolutely disgusting, I know.  I don't even know HOW I could be that big... well, I know how, but literally, I don't know 'how'. I mean, I look like I'm about 180 lbs- which isn't saying much, obviously- but mostly people who are my size look much more..... wide. And gross. Like I DO, but... get what I mean? :o

My first goal is to get down to 150 lbs. as QUICKLY as I can.It's sad and sick to say that even this is quite a long ways for me.
My second goal-weight is about 135 lbs.
The third goal is 125 lbs, and basically, my FINAL goal is to settle at around 98 lbs. or under.

I know I can do this. I've done it before when I was 12, and I KNOW I can do it again.
Of course, though, when I was 12, I didn't have the same recourses that I have now. Now we have youtube (Youtube just started back then, I think. XD), all these different blogs, pictures, websites, etc. Now I WILL NOT fail. I will succeed this time, and I know this for a fact. I won't let my body and obsession with food get the best of me. This time, I REFUSE to fail.

Starting today, I'm never going to eat the same way I used to, EVER again.

My plans are to do a water fast today as well as tomorrow, possibly have some plain Green Tea, and for Thursday- the evil Turkey day- I will have a LITTLE bit of the things I like; I don't like much, so it'll be easy to keep my calories under at least 400. I'm only planning on taking a few very small bites.

Then I'll be going shopping on Friday or Saturday with my Grandma, and as soon as I see those size 0/2 jeans, I'll be fasting easily again. XD
Then I probably won't be eating again until Christmas. It's going to be hard, but I know plenty of people who have done it, so I know I can do it too... I hope.

So yeah. o_O

Not much else to say. :P
This post was so horribly written, but I honestly don't know what to say. XD

****If you are one of the Pro-Ana/Thinspo/etc. posters and are reading this, I just wanted to say you are all absolutely amazing. Your will power just makes me go in 'aw' everytime I read your posts. (Long time lurker, first time poster here. XD)
You all amaze. I hope I can be as strong as you all.****