I was looking through my friends on facebook, and saw this one girl who went to my school last year. She's really thin, so I clicked to go on her profile and view her photos for some... thinspo.. (I'm so lame, I know. I also feel like a stalker.)
I remembered that she was the girl who had cancer (leukemia I believe). I remember last year she had troubles walking. My History teacher had the class donate some money (out of choice) to get her a gift for her birthday.
She went to a knew school this year, but I'm assuming she's better now, considering she says on her profile she 'had' cancer.
I also found out her father had died. It just says 'RIP dad' on her info.
I'm only posting this, because I'm beginning to realize I really do not have it bad at all. In fact, I'm spoiled. Extremely spoiled.
I have both my parents, alive and well. I have a home. I have a few friends. I'm healthy (besides the fact that I'm overweight), and I'm breathing and walking and talking just perfectly fine.
I'm not homeless, I'm not poor, I'm not starving (well, I am trying to, but I have the ability to go and eat whenever the hell I want to), I'm not lonely and I'm not dying.
Somehow... I wonder why or how I can even be 'depressed' or have suicide thoughts, now that I think about. My life is... great. I'm not saying I'm great, but my LIFE is. I've been thinking about this for the longest time. And yet, I still find ways to think about suicide. I still feel that my life is completely worthless. I still feel that I have the worse life around at times.
Honestly, I'm a bit jealous of the girl who had cancer and, unfortunately, a dead parent. It's horrible, I know, but, I figure, "Well, at least she has tons of friends and people that care about her. I have nobody that cares for me."
I am a loner. I have my cousin a 2 or 3 friends. And that is it.
I definitely blame it on my weight, but I also feel that it's because I'm deadly shy. There are girls as large as me, and LARGER that have tons and tons of friends, and even boyfriends.
I believe I'm deadly shy because of my weight; unlike the other girls who are about my size and bigger, I don't want to feel comfortable in a whale size body like this. I don't want to love myself until I am perfect. I can't love myself until I am thin. It's impossible for me. People in my life encourage me to love myself for who I am now, whether I lose weight or not.
How is the possible? I'm the stereotype all other countries give to Americans. I'm the fat ass who cannot walk into any store and find cute clothing. I'm the girl who is only 17 but looks like I'm 30 because of my size. How can these people tell me to love myself like this!?
And then I'll have the friends who tell me, "Oh, you're not fat! >:O"
Ummm..considering my BMI is only 4 away from morbid obesity, it's obvious I'm huge as fuck. I'm so sick of people not being honest with me. I'm huge...TELL ME SO! Encourage me to lose weight! Don't tell me to 'be who I am' now! Do they want me to continue gaining and gaining until I end up being bed-bound!?
Everytime they tell me I'm fine and that I should "love myself", I feel "Yeah. I'm OKAY the way I am. I don't have to care what other's think about me."
They pull me off track and make me feel it's okay to be overweight, pitiful, weak and ugly. I hate it so much.
...I don't even know how my post went from saying how spoiled I am to how "pitiful" my almost perfect life is.
I'm not only doing this for my weight..I'm doing this for everything.
I'm doing this for my life; my mental health. I'm doing this to have friends. I'm doing this so that people will WANT to be friends with me. I'm sticking with this so that I CAN get a boyfriend. I'm doing this so that life will be even better.
Sure, I have family... but is family even always worth it sometimes? Sometimes, friends trump family. Sometimes, looks trump health.
This is just how I'm viewing certain things.
And yes, I'm aware this post probably makes zero sense.
My main point is to say life is good. It's too good. Do we really deserve all we're getting? Who made us the lucky ones to be able to live life so well? To have a home, computer, television, iPod and/or MP3 player, cell phone, accessible food, clean water, etc. etc. etc. etc.
Blah.
Now I don't really know what my point was. :/
We are young... But we will NEVER die. We'll DREAM the Dream. THIS IS OUR BATTLE-CRY
I think you made a very good point, and it's a point many people overlook most of the time. Sometimes we get depressed, sad, think of the things we don't have, or how rotten our life seems. But when we take a step back and look at the lives of other people, we come to understand how truly blessed we really are. I get sad sometimes because I don't have a dad (I have a father, but not a "dad"- he was never in the picture), but I do have a mom and a grandmother- and that's more that what a lot of people my age have. I get sad when I walk into clothing stores and I see all these nice clothes I wish I could buy but I only have $1.05 in my bank account. But I do have clothes, a home, a computer, TV, iPod, and I 'm healthy. I could be living at a shelter with only the clothes on my back wondering if I'm going to have my next meal. Most of us don't have to worry about those things at all because we're more blessed that we realize. You're SO right, we need to stop focusing on the negative and look at what we DO have and how lucky we are!
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when I was reading this post I was just thinking "THATS ME!" I agree and feel the same way about a lot of the things you said. especially about your reasons for doing this. It's not just about weight its EVERYTHING. Stick with it. I know you can reach your goals!
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