-Scratch that, I hate the fact that I have one of the largest BODIES.
-I hate how the guy I adore, love, and would do absolutely anything for doesn't notice me, and he would be easily attainable if I were thinner/prettier.
-I hate that my hair is thinning out.
-I hate how I'm anti-social.
-I hate how I can never trust people in my life, and then I eventually lose them.
-I hate that I can't keep friends.
-I hate that I'm constantly looking over my shoulders worrying about whether somebody is talking about me behind my back or not.
-I hate how I'm an awkward person to be around...
-I hate my clothing style. I hate my eyes. I hate the color of my hair.
-I hate how I allowed a boy to do things to me and manipulate when I was only 9 years old, and I how it's keeping me from living life and trusting others.
-I hate how my parents assume my medication will magically fix everything that is wrong with me.
-I hate my past. Every little detail about it.
-I hate that my dad was once an alcoholic, had quit, and people continue to bug him about it.
-I hate how my family and old friends now ignore me because they assume I don't care about them, when in reality, I care too much about them. Which is why I never talk to them in hopes that I won't lose them...
-I hate how everyone talks to me as though I'm a child.
-I hate that I can never speak clearly.
-I hate that I can't find nice clothing.
-I hate that I cannot have thin legs, arms, and a flat stomach.
-I hate that I blow things off until the last minute, or until it's too late.
-I hate that I cannot make it through a fast for any longer then 4 days.
-I hate that I've lost my motivation for Ana.
-I hate that I may never be thin if I don't keep this up.
-I hate that I haven't lost anything in the matter of 2 months.
-I hate how I assume everyone dislikes me; and when I assume otherwise, they actually do dislike like.
-I hate my writing style. It's choppy, childish, and plain.
-I hate the fact that I cannot find anymore hope.
I hate hating myself.
I'm tired of it. I don't want to hate myself anymore.
It's time I start taking all this seriously. From the start, I've been blowing everything off, thinking, "Oh, I'll start my diet tomorrow." or, "I'll re-do it tomorrow".
No... I have to stop this. I have to force myself to stop this.
I don't care if real anorexics are offended by this, but I have to say, I want to be as thin, beautiful, and perfect as possible, even if I have to die for it. Dieing at the moment won't be too bad. We all die some day anyway.
I want to be thin.
I want to be perfect.
I want a boyfriend.
I want my family and friends to love me again.
I want to trust others, and most importantly, trust myself.
I done fooling around. Now, everything I say and do will be serious. Every time I see food, I'll think about how much I despise myself. I truly just want to be loved.
This is my motivation.
To forget my past and everything that happened to me, and just learn to love myself and be loved by others. Even then I'm not sure if anyone would care for me....
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I hope you all are doing well, if you read this. <3
Stay strong, and keep your motivation up. We can do this, and NOBODY can tell us we can or cannot do whatever we want. Prove them all wrong.
xxxx
You may think you've lost everything within the past couple of months, but whatever it is you feel like you've lost, you can gain back and so much more!
ReplyDeleteI love how you ended your post on a positive note! Negativity will only discourage you and slow your efforts but trying to kee a positive outlook will make you feel loads better, not just mentally, but physically as well.
I know trying to stay positive is hard sometimes when you wake up and see higher numbers on the scale than you did yeterday, but just know that every pound you lose, every day you stay strong and don't give up, is one step closer to your goal.
♥