I don't know how to help my friend. :(

So, my intake for today was nothing but Diet soda. Pretty good.
Of course, I slept all day, so I may not count, but I don't plan on eating for the rest of the night. So yeah.
Day one of fast almost completed! ^_^


I'm so worried for my friend Nicki..
she told me she's been thinking of suicide.. that she's been feeling down lately..
that she's unloved and unwanted.
Sounds exactly like me.

I'm crushed. I don't know what I will do if she acts on it. I mean, she's amazing! She has so much potential to be anything, she's pretty, she's thin, and people love her! I know, she's bipolar. It's hard. I understand.
But she has people who love her! I need her! Literally need her. I don't know what I would do. I seriously don't.
She's my best friend, my only friend. I'm not her best friend, but she's mine. I would die if she died. End of story. If she goes, I go too. I wouldn't make it.
See, she has other people who love her. Her idiotic friend Jen has been ignoring her lately, which may be why she is upset. Pisses me off. But anyways...
Me? I have nobody who would miss me. Like, literally, nobody. I don't think even my family would mind. They would only care about the price of having me buried or whatever.

Anyways, not about me. I'm really worried.
I'm a HUGE fan of Emilie Autumn, as well as her. She said after reading her book, she's gained a new perspective on suicide, that it could sometimes be the best thing for a person.
I didn't know what to say.
I just do not know how to comfort her.
She lives an hour and a half away from me, we've never actually met, and I just can't find the words I want to say to her. I don't know how to help her.
I'm really scared guys.

I'm hoping she'll feel better next time we talk....

But if you see this, my lovelies, please stay strong.
<3

(Ah yes, I also got a Tumblr account recently. :3
It's the same URL as this blog.
http://onlyanightmareaway.tumblr.com/)

My intake for today-

TOO MUCH.

Fast begins TOMORROW.
I've got the will power. I took a few pics of myself- it's digusting. I'll make it through the fast every time I see those pics.

I've got enough Diet Soda, Apple/Cinnamon Herbal tea, Green Tea, and of course, water (flavored water.. 0 cal packs!), to last me a while.

I got dis.


I don't deserve food anyways.
I took a few screen shots of  Cj's Status yesterday. About the girl he likes. Think maybe I'll blog about it tomorrow.
Why? Because this is like a diary- a diary that everybody can see. How fucking stupid am I?
VERY fucking stupid.

But that's just how I am.

I messaged him asking if he really did like a girl. The convo went like this:
_________________________________________________________
Me: Can I ask you something? Do you really like someone else?
Not that I care or anything. o.o' 

 Cj: Well it seems like you do care. But I think you need to define "really like".

Me: Uh.. dunno how.. o_O
I care but it's not that big of a deal.. lol.. sorreh.

Cj:

• • Well.. if you're referring to my status, I've liked that girl since sophomore year, and I've barely even ever talked to her.. so you really shouldn't have much to worry about. Cause she's moving away.
• 
  

Me: really as in , "LOL... ORLY?"

Oh... I see... I was only wondering...
...aw... :c I'm sorry... I'm sure you can still stay in touch with her though... hopefully..
 Cj: Probably not. She doesn't really like me at all.

• • Me: 
    • T_T
    • Maybe she might...
    • How do you know if she doesn't though? =/

Cj: She told me she thinks I'm a total creep. lol

Me: (I go a bit insane here, worrying, hoping, desperate, blahblah.)

• ....
• Ouch...
• Well screw her.. (No offense) But yeah. You're not. It's her loss if she thinks that...
• Sorry
• nvm

• • I'm extremely sorry for saying that and for getting into your business like that. Like this time I genuinely mean it. I don't mean to be an idiot.
    __________________________________________________________

I cried today. I cut myself again. I'm a pathetic fat whore, really. Why do I cry over nothing? I should be happy- at least, he's honest. Right?
God I'm emo as fuck. I have no idea why I do these things, and complain/feel sorry for myself all the damn time. I guess I enjoy the feeling of being forgotten, left out, and insecure. I've been that way since I was little. I love the feeling. It's a TERRIBLE feeling, but I sickly enjoy it.
Right now, it's killing me waiting for his replying. I'm hoping he will not be angry at me for saying all that shit.

It's just- he knows how much I like him.
I wouldn't done all those things with him if I didn't. He claims to like me. Really? How can you claim to like me, yet do all that to me?
I don't understand.
I wish we just never met. I wish I never replied to the letter he gave me. I would be far better off then sitting here worrying and being a jealous lard all day, every day.
What the hell is wrong with me...?

It might bother me, because I asked him out. The last time we hung out, I sucked up all my fears and asked him: "Do you want a girlfriend?"
When he said he didn't, I was trying to hard to show him I didn't care.
That's how I always am with him.
He called me, "borderline obsessed" with him once, and I suppose it's true, so I try to stay on the fence with him now. I cannot help it. I don't know why, but I enjoy this.
It's giving me a reason now to eat. As in, I feel like I do not deserve food for acting this way. It helps a lot.
After my crying spell, I haven't had food all the rest of the day.
Feels amazing.

But I want to look my best for him. When I'm skinnier then the bitch who he likes, maybe he'll want me then.
(At least, I have a guess as to who the girl is he likes.)

He told me he liked me.
He told me he loved everything about me.
What a lie. Lovely lie that once made me feel as though I was something.

Ana is the only one who will be there for me when I feel this way.
She is the only thing making me feel as though I have meaning to be on this planet.
Hope she does the same for everyone else going through this.

And they aren't even real issues. It's not like I'm homeless. It's not like I'm in an abusive household or whatever.
I'm just being pathetic. I say that word a lot, because it's true. That's all I am.

I want to die.

I can't wait to just end it all. The easiest way for me to do so is through starving to death. I can't handle this life anymore.

I love a guy. So much. With all my heart.
At first, I thought he was a total creep. He gave me a letter telling me he thought I was 'Cute'. Bullshit I'm cute, we both know what we look like.
Anyways, we began talking over spring break. We kissed, and ended up doing more things the last time I hung out with him.
I asked him if he wanted a relationship.
He told me, straight out, "No." He assured that it wasn't me, it was him. He said he would be the worse boyfriend ever, and I would end up hating him.

As I am a creepy stalker (at least, I can admit this) I seem to go on his FaceBook page quite a lot.
So many girls.
Yes, he is overweight, and those girls that flirt with him are overweight, so I know he would possibly have a chance with them. And they're all pretty, despite their weight. Unlike me. I'm hideous whether I'd be thin or as I am now, but that's not the point.

Today he made a certain status that really bothered me. He asked, "How to I tell a girl I like her, although I know she doesn't like me back?"
It's obvious he wasn't talking about me. He even said to one of the comments that she did not know him that well- it couldn't be me. I know him fairly well enough, considering I took my god damn shirt off for him.

I can never be loved. Never.
I just don't think it's meant to be. I only have on true friend, and she is the only reason I am still alive at the moment.
But I'm plannign on living on until I am thin.

Ugh, look at me, I'm pathetic. I have an almost perfect life, compared to people in 3rd world countries who are suffering physically where as I'm only going through shit mentally.
I'm ridiculous. Someone needs to slap me hard and knock some sense into, because I'm seriously losing it.

I don't deserve food. The less food I eat, the more food can be used to people who need it. That is my new take and tip on this whole thing.

I'm going to read all your lovely blogs. They usually make my day better.

Love you.

xoxo
Kristy~

So....

I've been completely off track. I've been binging everyday, all day/whenever I can. Ever since Spring time, I've just lost all hope. I had given up on everything completely, never wanting to come back onto this blog again admitting to my defeat.
I had a dream (I know, but just read) a couple days ago, however. It was me, just looking into the mirror, and repeatedly told myself, "When you're ready to take this seriously, you will know." When I woke up, "ana" wasn't the first thing that came to my mind. I was thinking about other things.
"What is the right time to do this... whatever it is!? What is it??"
It had been bothering me since yesterday. I couldn't stop thinking of that dream. Then, hit just hit me one day while I was staying at a friend's house. I suddenly noticed how skinny she was. How could I have missed it, she's a size 1, taller than me, has amazing bones, etc.  She has friends other then me who are way more important to her than I am. And none of them are overweight like myself. I've never met one of her other friends who wasn't thin like herself.
I realized- I'm the fat friend. That is all I am, and that is ALL I will EVER be if I keep this bullshit up. I have to stop this. I have to get back on track. I have to prove to everybody that I, too, can be thin and happy. I too can be loved, and I also can be beautiful. Possibly.
I AM READY now. I'm ready to take this seriously. This isn't a game! This is something we all have to try sticking to, and we CAN make it! This isn't something I should just mess around with, one day being pro-ana, then the next being a lazy pig who has no inspiration thriving in my mind at all.

I have to stay on this site now. I plan on posting every day, updating my weight/success more, and helping people out more. I promise I won't be annoying! I truly do promise! I'll try to leave advice, but I'm absolutely HORRIBLE at advice. This is why I never post on many people's blogs, but I used to read through them all the time, and every single one of you are extremely inspirational to me. I love all the blogs I am following, I love all people who have helped me out in the beginning, and I really regret leaving this place all because I felt nothing was working out for me.

I haven't gained anything since I last posted, surprisingly. I was 220 for a while now... amazing considering how much crap I was eating without exercising.

I'm hoping to be 200 by the end of August. I'm planning on fasting until then- but if I do mess up one day, I will NOT give up like I did before. I'll continue to try try and try again. If all you lovely ladies (and a few guys ;P  ... )  can be strong enough to do this, I maybe can too.

We will always mess up. But I haven't even begun yet. This is only the beginning for me. Again....

I can't fail again. I can't. If I fail again, I think I'll have to do something extreme. Not truly sure what. But I'm afraid I'll end up doing something horrible without realizing what I'm doing... so now I'm thinking of this is my life line.

I choose to be thin over living. This is now my personal thought. I either stick to this plan, or die. I would rather die thin then die fat, so it's sort of like a scare tactic for myself.

I'm going to have to hide this from my therapist. Yes, my parents have made me go all because of my anxiety issues. I like the my therapist and all, she seems like a very sweet person, but i just HATE telling someone about my personal life. I lie to her pretty much about everything. Hopefully I won't be forced to see her anymore if I start "acting like a normal human being", according to my parents.

Can't be too hard. I'll just make up a bunch of BS so say to her while at therapy. Maybe she can comment on how overweight I am and it'll be triggering to me. That's what happened to me last year after going to the doctor, realizing I was over 240 lbs. That was the absolute worse day of my life, I will never ever forget it.

I'm sorry for rambling about myself. It's pathetic, I know.

I love you all! I'm going to be stalking your blogs to see how you're doing. I promise I won't be annoying and comment. At least I won't post irrelevant comments anymore. I feel that I'm just a plague to everyone here.

★ ☆ ✰

N E V E R  G I V E   U P ! ! !   S T A Y   S T R O N G  A N D  F I G H T  T H I S  F I G H T!!!

★ ☆ ✰

More pics

I've missed this site so much!!! :(

Heyy loves!
If any of you see and/or even read this. I feel like having a bit of an update, lol. :)

How have all of you been?

Been a long time since I last posted. Nothing much is really all that new. :/
I haven't fasted in a long time, but I have been controlling my calories and... exercising.. kind of.. >.>'

I ate today. First, I had a stupid Easter Basket. I chewed and spit most of my candy, but no doubt I still got most of the calories. Silly me.
Then I had a hard boiled egg, and half a tuna sandwich. :o
I'm so weak. Lol.
I not eating anything for the rest of the day, and I'm also fasting tomorrow, and hopefully for the rest of the week.

OMGsh, tomorrow! I'm so excited for it! :)
Tomorrow (Wednesday) I'm going to be hanging out with this one guy I like.. I'm not sure whether he likes me as well, but we just flirt around jokingly on the phone as well as on Facebook and other crap like that. XD
He bought some weed, and I'm going to be taking some for the first time in my life tomorrow.. with him..
Lol. I can't wait! :)

TBH, I still don't really know if all this can be true. It's a long story.
First, he gave me this one note on April 1st, saying he thought I was "cute", giving me his number and other stuff. I figured it HAD to be a joke. It just HAD to be, nobody who is sane would ever think I was cute. I'm hideous- or at least, I think I am. Ehh.. who knows. Who cares, I'm hideous until I'm thin. :P
But anyways, I was pissed off at the time, so I just threw his letter away.. I wanted to reply to him though, but I wasn't able to... his friends scare me... so.
Instead, I added him on Facebook the say we got out of school (Thursday was our last day) and we've been texting each other since.
I'm really excited.

This is possibly the first time in a few years that I've felt genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I always feel that I'm just a part of other people's lives, like a side character of their story. But now, I'm starting to feel that I'm becoming my own main character, and special things may start happening for me as well. :3
(So corny, stick with me. x])
...never-mind, this sounds stupid.. o_O'
Blah.

I'm so weird. XD
All I've been doing for the past couple of days was sleep, go online, sleep, work out, pig out like a fat ass, and sleep. 8D
Well, I've been going on my parent's laptop. My own computer broke a few weeks ago, and I'm getting a new one on a month or so. :)

Yeahhh... Spring Break came out late this yet, but it's all good. :))
We only have a few months left after this week is over with. :P

Sooo, enough talking about my boring life. :D

I'm planning on putting up way more thinspo pics, tips, and other things. I just need to find out how to use BlogSpot again, lol. :o

I really missed you all, and I hope you all are doing well and staying strong. ;o

Happy belated Easter!!! Hope you all had fun. :)

xoxo~
Kristy

Update and thinspo pics

Just posting quickly to say I'm alive and still staying on track. Haven't given up yet, and nothing can stop meh nao. >:D

Still don't know how much I weigh. I want it to be a surprise when I go to the doctor's next week. :)

Hoping it's good. <3

Hope you're doing well, whoever reads this. (if anyone does, pssh)

xoxo

^ Beckii Cruel (Rebecca Flint), my thinspo. <3

I hate everything about myself...

-I hate the fact that I have one of the largest noses.
-Scratch that, I hate the fact that I have one of the largest BODIES.
-I hate how the guy I adore, love, and would do absolutely anything for doesn't notice me, and he would be easily attainable if I were thinner/prettier.
-I hate that my hair is thinning out.
-I hate how I'm anti-social.
-I hate how I can never trust people in my life, and then I eventually lose them.
-I hate that I can't keep friends.
-I hate that I'm constantly looking over my shoulders worrying about whether somebody is talking about me behind my back or not.
-I hate how I'm an awkward person to be around...
-I hate my clothing style. I hate my eyes. I hate the color of my hair.
-I hate how I allowed a boy to do things to me and manipulate when I was only 9 years old, and I how it's keeping me from living life and trusting others.
-I hate how my parents assume my medication will magically fix everything that is wrong with me.
-I hate my past. Every little detail about it.
-I hate that my dad was once an alcoholic, had quit, and people continue to bug him about it.
-I hate how my family and old friends now ignore me because they assume I don't care about them, when in reality, I care too much about them. Which is why I never talk to them in hopes that I won't lose them...
-I hate how everyone talks to me as though I'm a child.
-I hate that I can never speak clearly.
-I hate that I can't find nice clothing.
-I hate that I cannot have thin legs, arms, and a flat stomach.
-I hate that I blow things off until the last minute, or until it's too late.
-I hate that I cannot make it through a fast for any longer then 4 days.
-I hate that I've lost my motivation for Ana.
-I hate that I may never be thin if I don't keep this up.
-I hate that I haven't lost anything in the matter of 2 months.
-I hate how I assume everyone dislikes me; and when I assume otherwise, they actually do dislike like.
-I hate my writing style. It's choppy, childish, and plain.
-I hate the fact that I cannot find anymore hope.

I hate hating myself.

I'm tired of it. I don't want to hate myself anymore.
It's time I start taking all this seriously. From the start, I've been blowing everything off, thinking, "Oh, I'll start my diet tomorrow." or, "I'll re-do it tomorrow".
No... I have to stop this. I have to force myself to stop this.

I don't care if real anorexics are offended by this, but I have to say, I want to be as thin, beautiful, and perfect as possible, even if I have to die for it. Dieing at the moment won't be too bad. We all die some day anyway.
I want to be thin.
I want to be perfect.
I want a boyfriend.
I want my family and friends to love me again.
I want to trust others, and most importantly, trust myself.

I done fooling around. Now, everything I say and do will be serious. Every time I see food, I'll think about how much I despise myself. I truly just want to be loved.
This is my motivation.
To forget my past and everything that happened to me, and just learn to love myself and be loved by others. Even then I'm not sure if anyone would care for me....
------------
I hope you all are doing well, if you read this. <3
Stay strong, and keep your motivation up. We can do this, and NOBODY can tell us we can or cannot do whatever we want. Prove them all wrong.

xxxx

I enjoyed my lovely 2 week vacation.. but now, life begins again. Boo.

'Ello, lovely people. I'm deciding to update after a while... I forgot my password.

KJLKDSFJ.

Talk about epic fail. I literally tried about 10 different emails and passwords trying to figure out what my blog account was. I fail so hard at life. 

I think I've done pretty good this week. I didn't have too much intake, and Thursday and Friday I had nothing at all. Including water.

My reason for this is because I have found a brand new obsession of mine- the reason why I have no life to begin with.

I've been obsessed with The Hunger Games books. OMFAWKINGAWD I LOVE THEM! 

Just the epicness of it all. And Peeta- oh dear God, Peeta! When I'm thin, I'm SO finding a real Peeta of my own. I swear, he is the most adorable book character EVAR.

And Katniss isn't a Mary-Sue! The anti-Bella Swan!

So yes, my obsession with a book series is my reason for not eating. AND I LOVE IT. >:D

I swear, they're the 2nd greatest book series EVA. 8D

(Right underneath Harry Potter of course.. hm.. wait, LotR is above HP.. and then Stephen King and Anne Rice books pwn both.

....)
Speaking of Harry Potter, I have yet to see the new film. Which I guess won't be too much of a loss as I've hear many of my friends complain about it. Apparently.. it was "boring". LIES.
I'll  be seeing the 2nd part in theatres, definitely. I'm not going to let my childhood slip from me so easily. NAH! Dx

But anywho, I'm pissed my vacation is over.

Really.... I'm missing doing nothing at all for two weeks already. Pisses me off. Nya. D:

sl;dk;l. -_-

I have drivers ed tomorrow! :)

Yeah, I know I'm a little late. Appearently, getting my temps would be too expensive at 15/16, so I've been delayed until 17.

WTF. :/

Oh well. I have something to look forward to after my long, hard, painful day at school tomorrow... *sigh*

Hope you all have a great year kiddos. 8D